


Voldemort's Birthday Party

by granny_griffin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, don't read this expecting a great work of art, during a conversation which also included the concept, that dumbledor's pickled eyeball might be the final horcrux, we came up with the concept in the middle of the night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 13:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21338659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/granny_griffin/pseuds/granny_griffin
Summary: So once upon a time when @pocoloco4ever (tumblr url) was in the beginning of the 7th Harry Potter, she asked me why there were Harry Potter Undesirable #1 posters. Pocoloco4ever's two logical explanations were that either Harry Potter was going to do something bad, OR they were of Voldemort’s design. But how would this come to pass? And hence our story begins.Pocoloco4ever co-wrote this with me. She said I could post it here.
Kudos: 2





	1. The Pamphlets

Once upon a time during the 6th book, Voldey was frustrated because he could not catch a certain magical baby, he was pacing back and forth in his evil lair with a maniacal grumble. 

“Grumble Grumble, why can I not catch this Harry Potter?”

One of his Death Eaters boldly approached him and said

“Sir, maybe you should try a different approach”

“LIKE WHAT!!!!”

“Whisper whisper whisper” whispered the Death Eater

“Hm..” said Voldy “That might just work! YOU THERE!!! BRING ME MY DISGUISE GLASSES!!!”

Scene change to: Diagon Alley

A mysterious figure with extremely pale skin and Groucho glasses stands on a street corner handing out pamplets. Fred and George Weasley, always ready for an adventure, walk up to the strange man to see what he is doing.

“You there” said the strange man “ Here take a pamphlet.”

And here is what they saw

(the origianal version had a screenshot of a Harry Potter Most Wanted poster inserted here)

Fred looks at George. George looks at Fred.

“You aren’t Voldemort by any chance?”

“No” Voldey said “Why would you ask?”

“Oh, no reason, no reason at all.”

Then Voldey said “ Would you mind giving one to the man in Borgin and Burkes on Knockturn alley?” 

“Yeah sure, but isn’t he a bit crabby?”

“Oh no, he is very nice, when you threaten him.”

“Isn’t EVERY ONE?”

“Yes, except for the guy on the pamphlet. Be careful you don’t end up like him someday, you two seem like nice boys."


	2. The Invitation

Scene change: Evil Lair

When the Pamphlet idea didn’t work, Voldey went back to his evil lair to bash up a few Death Eaters. In the middle of giving one a wedgie, he had an idea, an even better idea.   
“YOU THERE, he said, BRING ME MY PARTY ROBE!”

Scene change: Gryffindor Common Room

Hermione has finally agreed to do Ron’s homework, and the grateful Ron has fallen asleep. Suddenly Harry rushes in and shakes Ron awake.   
“Look Ron, what do you think of this letter I got?”  
“This better be important Harry, I was having the most wonderful dream about winning Quidditch!”  
Hermione said “ Here let me see that.” 

And here is what the letter said:

To Harry Potter:  
You are cordially invited to my birthday party at the Villain Pub, next Saturday.   
There will be tea and crumpets. BE THERE!  
Sincerely V

“Do you think it’s authentic Harry?” Hermione said  
“Think it’s what?” said Ron  
“I mean do you think it’s You Know Who?”  
“No” Harry said “ Don’t be silly, he is not that stupid.”

Enter Fred and George:

“Harry look at this poster.” Fred said  
“It’s for you.” George said  
“We even got it signed” Fred said  
“You should be thankful.” George said “It was at lot of trouble"  
“We had to deliver one to a NASTY customer.” Fred said  
“He was very crabby.” said George  
“What that?” They both said  
“It’s a letter, we don’t know who it’s from.” Harry said  
“I don’t like it though, Harry you can’t go.” Hermione said  
“Well of course he has to go.” Fred said  
“How else is he supposed to know who it’s from.” said George  
“NO” Hermione said “Don’t be stupid!”  
“I really don’t think it’s Voldemort.” Harry said “ Listen Hermione if it really was Voldemort he wouldn’t sign with his initial and invite me to a villain pub. In fact if it was Voldemort why would he invite me to his birthday party anyway.”  
“I suppose you are right” Hermione said  
“Well I am up to some tea and crumpets.” Ron said  
“Well I suppose we are going then.” Harry said


	3. The Party

Voldey is walking around at the Villain Pub with his chums in his party robe. The robe is white and fluffy on the inside, rainbow sequence on the outside and it says PARTY in big gold letters on the back. He is also wearing his disguise glasses and a very handsome wig. He has put some sort of charm on himself so that he will not be quite as obvious that he is trying to be incognito. He has also dimmed the lights to make himself look less sickly white. He had tried to get a tan, but you can imagine how that must have gone.

“Did you invite the magical baby?” said one of his chums.

“Yea” Voldey said “I invited the magical baby.”

They all enjoyed a round of maniacal laughter.

Suddenly the doorbell rings.

“Who is it? Is it the magical baby?” Vodley said

“No sir, we have come to do the catering as you asked.” said Fred and George

“Oh, it’s those nice boys who helped me the other day with the pamphlets.” Voldey said “ You can go and set up over there, next to my amazing cake”

Five minutes later the doorbell rings again

“WHO IS IT?!” said Voldey.

“Um.. It’s Harry Potter, I brought my friends with me." Harry said. "May we come inside? We are here for V’s Birthday party.” 

“Come inside then” Vodley said

“I suppose your V then?” Harry said 

“Yes yes, nice to meet you” Vodley said, and they shook hands.

“Ouch” said Harry. 

“What?” Hermione asked.

“It’s my scar” Harry whispered to Hermione, “It hurts all of a sudden."

“Let’s skip straight to the refreshments, you have to try my amazing cake!” Voldey said “I made it myself.”

They walk over to the cake and Voldey begins to hand out pieces, Ron takes a piece and walks over to get a drink and notices that Fred and George are doing the catering.

“What are you doing here?” said Ron 

“We're doing the catering.” said Fred

“What are you doing here.” said George

“You knew I was going to be here.” said Ron “You were there when Harry got the invitation.”

Meanwhile Harry has just gotten his piece of cake, when his scar starts hurting again. As he sees through Voldemort’s mind, he realizes that he is looking at himself.

“Wait a minute.” said Harry, “It’s you!”

“My thoughts have betrayed me.” said Voldemort “Again.”

Harry throws his piece of cake in Voldemort’s face, knocks off his wig, and used the delay to draw his wand. Voldemort finally gets the cake out of his disguise glasses and aims a spell at Harry, who doges it. 

“Wait a minute” says Harry “Why would you invite us to your birthday party?”

“So I can kill you of course” said Voldey “That’s your present to me.”

“How were you planning on killing me?” said Harry.

Hermione screams “Maybe the cake is poisoned!!!”

Ron gulps, he has eaten half his cake already.

“No of course it’s not poisoned.” said Voldey

Ron takes another bite.

“I just put a bunch of knifes in it.” 

Ron bites down on something hard and grimaces. 

“I wanted it to be extremely deadly…...honestly I should have thought this through a little more.” said Voldemort

Harry yells “Expelliarmus” and knocks off Voldemort’s disuse glasses.

“Haha, I still have my wand.” Voldemort says “Avada Kedavra”

Harry yells “Expelliarmus” and their wands connect.

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU HARRY POT-“

“WAIT!!!!!!” yells George. 

Everyone turns and looks at him.

“WHAT?!” yells Voldemort

“We're kind of in the middle of something.” Harry says.

“FRED HAS TO GO THE THE BATHROOM!!”

“I’M SORRY.” yells Fred “CAN YOU JUST HOLD EVERYTHING FOR A MOMENT? 

“WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK” yells George, and they both run into the bathroom.

The bar pianist resumes his ominous music.

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU HARRY POTTER!!!” Voldemort says “I’M POINTING MY WAND _**REALLY**_ HARD AT YOU!”

Fred and George re-enter the room. “VOLDEY” Fred yells “ WE FOUND YOUR NOSE” 

George throws a toilet plunger at Voldemort’s face and it sticks there. Fred, George, Ron, Hermione and Harry use the confusion to escape. 

“Curses” Voldemort says “Foiled again, and even at my own birthday party!” 

He storms out of the Villain Pub.

_THE END_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://granny-griffin.tumblr.com)


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